February 2012
154 posts
Going out for a cigarette - hopefully Will likes the smell!
1 tag
1 tag
apologies - I am aware of the number of text posts tonight. But unfollow me if you use my blog as a source of pictures because it is primarily my recovery blog, I think the photos are mostly Skye anyway
back to the point; I like all you people, some in particular very much, but this is ultimately very personal.
Damn, I’m waffling.
All I was going to say is that it makes me cry when...
My doctor rang me up today to see how I’m ‘faring’, but it’s not surgery hours
made me cry that there’s somebody just three streets away who is ringing to ask when my entire family turn their backs on me again and again
I want somebody like this man, all the time, all mine, give him everything, he won’t hurt me, he’ll care - just because he does, for me
...
hello
They’ve left me at home with him
I didn’t realise fuuuuuck help
look after me
I hate how hard it is to stop blurring the line between dependency and love. I’m dependent on people because I’m not okay, but when they care I am mistaken that they love me, for they are paid to care, and I am sorry. But again, I feel a deep love for these people, like they’re the only people I want to be close to; can be close to. But that’s irrational. But I love you....
every minute is a decade of dust in my lungs and I’m dying
My mum just told me she wants to put me out of my misery and shake me til everything is forgotten. It tears me apart when she says things like this. I sit with her while she cries and tells me how much she hates this - my pain, my limited energy, my listlessness, my complete lack of motivation, my hatred of being sociable.
And don’t get me wrong; I love her and want to support her now...
I just don’t have the energy or will to get better right now
My dedication to ethics coursework is seriously lacking.
I managed to power through two essays over the half term break but now I’m back at school I just want to a) cry at how much it frustrates me with it’s pretentious pointless stupidity and b) cry at the fact I took it and now I can’t drop it
Today:
doctors appointment & CAMHs referral
biology AS mock
catch up...
I’ve been hunched over in the same chair studying three days straight
somebody massage my neck it’s knotted like hell
also FINISHED REVISING FOR BIOLOGY MOCK AND DONE TWO ESSAYS I REALISE THIS DOESN’T SEEM LIKE MUCH BUT USUALLY I DON’T EVEN THINK ABOUT SCHOOL WHEN I’M AT HOME, I JUST SLEEP AND TRY NOT TO HURT
so chuffed
Mum’s bought us wine for tea &...
To my anon; I literally just teared up, that was the loveliest thing and I’m now going to bed with a smile on my face which I really didn’t expect. Thank you - I wish I could hug you.
ps. my inner dictionary feels more complete.
Quick update;
not leaving house
no appetite
going back to CAMHs (referral monday)
meds dosage increase
not good
I have a charm from my Grandad which has seaweed in it
